“If they’re broaching the conversion, kind of see the things that they’re sharing,” suggests Dirty Lola.
How to Pick the Right Sex Partner
Besides establishing what we’re willing to do sexually, boundaries also outline how we want our sexual partners to treat us and what we will accept behaviorally from them. Finding the right partner or partners, long-term or casual, is vital to creating the sex lives we want to lead. Federico recommends taking some time for self-reflection and asking ourselves important questions, like what we want our sex life to look like and how the person we’re with makes us feel both inside and outside the bedroom.
“The standard of the person that we’re looking for should be the same all-around, and that is someone who is respectful of our bodies and ourselves as human beings, and someone who can help us feel emotionally safe. People we just feel comfortable with, who we don’t feel judged by, who we can be honest with about our experience and about what we like and dislikes,” she says.
The Importance of Putting Yourself First
Part of becoming more comfortable with sex is knowing what you like. So yeah, we’re talking about masturbating.
“We can also just focus on our own sexuality and our bodies, and one of the best ways we can do that is to have a regular self-pleasure, masturbation practice,” says Federico. “So even if you’re not confident with other people or have much experience, you can still get comfortable with your body, learn your likes and dislikes, how you respond to certain stimulation.”
And while you’re shopping for a sex toy, many sex shops also offer classes for those who are looking to up their game.
“Most sex shops do some kind of education,” says Dirty Lola. Some examples include Pleasurechest and Smitten Kitten which offer courses, resources, and more to help customers feel more confident exploring their sexuality with both themselves and others.
The most important thing to remember when you’re looking to become more confident in your sex life is that your lack of experience in no way defines your future or present — or yourself, for that matter. Dismantling current beliefs and restructuring the way we feel about ourselves, and sex, is vital to making this happen. After all, when we find ways to increase our self-esteem and confidence in general, it often translates to how we feel about ourselves in our most intimate moments
“Any sort of work we can do to become confident in just who we are and raise our self-worth as a person in general, is going to translate to sex and our encounters while we’re dating,” says Federico. “Just by not having sexual experience, we’re still going to believe at our core that we still have plenty to bring to the table, that our sex lives aren’t doomed.”
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