Clinical Psychologist Explains Why Nice Guys Finish Last
Most women dream of falling “madly” in love with the perfect man. Imagine a proverbial house with a white picket fence and children underfoot. Why don’t you fall in love with the good guys, but prefer someone who’s unavailable or the classic “bad boy”?
There are many good men who are serious and capable of having the relationship you want, but you waste all your time on men who play with your emotions. Is it the thrill of the chase to make someone who runs hot and cold fall in love with you? Fortunately, psychology may have some of the answers you need.
Don’t worry, we’re not just messing with men. This concept can also be applied to women! But since the famous saying is about “nice guys”, we follow it.
A pioneering study has shocking results
According to Psychology concepts, Dutton and Aron did a study to determine some of the reasons behind the choice of the lady in 1974. For this evaluation, they needed the women to stand on two different bridges. Each woman asked a random man to cross the bridge to meet her and tell her a story from his life.
To make things interesting, the first bridge was a traditional flyover that was not daunting to cross. The waters below were calm and potential suitors could see that the situation was safe. However, the second bridge was a completely different situation.
Bridge number two was tricky as there were fast waves and rocks underneath that would challenge the guy’s nerves. Falling from this suspended structure would cost them their lives, as it was 70 meters in the air. For this study, they considered one structure safe and the other scary.
What happened next was amazing. The men who had no problem facing the scariest bridge told the women different stories than those who played it safe. These men were not afraid to include erotic descriptions in their stories.
Additionally, the women gave the men their phone numbers after they finished, and the men who crossed the dangerous bridge called again. The researchers puzzled because the men who took the biggest risks seemed to be more interested in the women.
Now mind you, it was the same woman who was on the scary bridge who was also on the safe. Why did the suitor find the woman more attractive in a dangerous situation than a safe one? The conclusion was revolutionary for relationships.
When crossing the overpass with greater risks, any man would feel symptoms of anxiety or excitement. Faced with this situation, they would experience things like a racing heartbeat and profuse sweating. The experience was exhilarating and therefore gave the lady a different appeal.
Today’s relationships, according to Dr. Chloe Carmichael
The study was conducted in 1974, but Dr. Chloe Carmichael discovers that you still see this phenomenon today. As a clinical psychologist in Manhattan, her private practice deals with stress management, relationships, and self-esteem development.
Dr. Carmichael graduated from Long Island University and has a Ph.D. in psychology. She is well known and is on the advisory board of the famous publications known as Women’s Health Magazine. One of his amazing articles was in the ten rules for dating.
One of the common problems she faces in her clients is that they are often attracted to men who are unpredictable or emotionally unavailable. Good guys often get a bad rap, as their stability and strict nature are not all that attractive. Is it part of the chemistry that these women feel caused by their arousal more than an actual attraction?
The 1974 study seems to show that arousal is more stimulating than chemistry. To help correct this problem, Dr. Carmichael suggests that women create a list of what they want in a partner. This is especially helpful before entering the dating scene.
Defining what you want and what bothers you
The first step in the process is to make a list of the behaviors that you consider undesirable. These should be habits and actions that annoy or irritate you. Unfortunately, this worry or irritation could be misinterpreted as attractive to the guy who is causing the frustration.
By making this list, it will help you identify the things that drive you crazy. Your list should include items like:
- Chronic tardiness
- Not making clear plans
- Being emotionally unavailable
- Not compromise
- Cancellation of dates at the last minute
- Failing to answer phone calls or text messages promptly
- Being vague about family
- Not sharing previous relationships
Keep in mind that life happens. It would be helpful if you never judge someone based on 1-2 issues. Things can happen in the blink of an eye that changes everything, so a certain leniency is a must under the circumstances. However, these are not behaviors that a lady would normally find in boys pleasant.
Instead, while bad boy can be more attractiveThese little habits can break a relationship. The attraction only goes so far; So you need substance or glue to hold the relationship together.
Desirable behaviors in a relationship
The second list should be the safe behaviors that you enjoy and welcome in a relationship. Good guys are not only cheesy and boring, but they will certainly do these things:
- Always be on time
- Bring flowers or candy
- Call frequently
- Buy gifts “just because”
- Make time for yourself
- Ensures that you are picked up and returned home safely
- It lets you know that he is emotionally available.
- Tells you how in love he is
- He’s nervous about holding hands and kissing (at first)
- Act like you’re the greatest thing in the world
Play games with love
Consider the slot machines at your favorite casino. The relationships can be very similar to the odds of these games. The casino has the power to set the odds to give enough winnings to keep the player attracted.
By giving you some coins here or there, you will keep chasing the rewards. Your relationships with the bad boy are similar. They pay enough attention to you that you keep chasing them, even if it means you’ll never win the grand prize.
On the other hand, nice guys would have given you everything you ever wanted, including the white picket fence. However, throughout history, women are attracted to the one that causes more excitement than stable.
Changing your point of view
Once you have completed both lists, it is time to change your mind. The list of dangerous behaviors equates to a most undesirable man. They can play “hard to get”Or not being emotionally available.
In most cases, these men have problems from the past that interfere with their connections. For example, fear of compromise can come from watching a parent go through many turbulent relationships. They don’t want the same thing to happen to them, so they keep everyone at a distance.
Another common scenario is that the person has suffered trauma as a child and has unsolved problems. The problem is that they will bring all this emotional baggage into a relationship. If a guy is a rebel, you can almost bet that there is a reason behind these behaviors.
The goal is to get to the point where you can look at the man and see the irritations and not lose him to attraction.
Learn to love good guys
Since you are working to change your behavior towards the bad guys, you also need to work on the views of the good guys. Here are some ways you can view emotionally available men as more exciting:
- Spice Up Your Dating: Do something a little riskier or even scarier to get that excitement with this guy. Why not try a haunted house or horror movie?
- Use fantasies to spice things up – Many couples role-play or use fantasy to spice up their romantic lives. Why not try something naughty or even forbidden? The goal here is to go on a date and make your heart race instead of boring you. Maybe you can be the one to make some headway and see how the good boy responds.
- • Start planning your life forever: Few things are exciting for a woman at a wedding, especially if it is the first time. If you need an exciting experience, you can commit to the person who you know will be by your side for the long haul. Your interest in the unavailable will diminish as you plan for the future.
Final thoughts on nice guys and why they finish last
The old saying goes that “The good guys finish last. “However, you have the power to change your perception. Dr. Chloe Carmichael suggests looking at men through “safe” and “scary” perimeters. Once you learn to change your perception of arousal, the way you view these two types of men will change.
Dr. Carmichael claims that she has seen many of her clients use this checklist method to retrain their brains to think of men differently. Fortunately, it proves to be a successful method that helps women make better decisions about who they give their heart to.