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6 Conversation Killers To Avoid For Mindful Communication

Mindful communication is the act of speaking to another person with positive thinking, effectiveness, and honesty. It means being aware of your emotions, behaviors, and the position of your interlocutor and sticking to the current discussion in the present.

Although it sounds simple, many people struggle with conscious communication. It’s too easy to slip into all kinds of negative patterns that derail attempts at a productive discussion. How can you make sure that doesn’t happen to you? Here are 6 communication killers to avoid for conscious communication.

1. Be defensive

Not all communication is a walk in the park. Sometimes it can be difficult and personal, and someone may come to you for criticism, negative feedback, or the ways it has been unintentionally affecting them.

When faced with such communication, it is very easy to take things as some kind of personal attack. You are bothered by the idea of ​​hurting someone or you don’t like the criticism you are facing. Either way, you may be tempted to make excuses, avoid responsibility, point the finger, or even go off track and protect yourself.

But this kind of defensive attitude is contrary to conscious communication. You have to accept that conflict is part of life and all you can control is how you handle it. If you create more conflict out of conflict, then you will have a never-ending, unhealthy cycle of anger.

Think about it: wouldn’t you rather have someone be honest with you than secretly have negative thoughts about you but pretend not to? For that honesty to materialize, you need to appreciate where they come from without being defensive.

2. Make assumptions

We are all unique and experience different situations and life events. Even those who have gone through experiences similar to yours will have handled, felt and overcome them in their individual way. Generalizing, stereotyping, and other similar problems will avoid positive communication quickly.

With all the diversity and variation in the world, making assumptions is not only unfair, but unwise. It is rarely safe to assume that you know what someone else is thinking or feeling, and these assumptions kill communication. Think about it:

  • Why would you bother communicating if you assume you know what is going on or that others know what is going on?
  • How can you maintain a productive discussion when you are holding onto incorrect assumptions that affect your ability to discuss things?
  • Can you keep your focus on communication if your assumptions are quickly uprooted?

Don’t assume, express. Seek understanding and clarification and you will enjoy more positive and mindful communication. Exchange comments, ask questions, and make your voice heard.

3. Provide solutions

Unless someone asks you for advice or solutions, you shouldn’t assume that someone talking to you about something personal is a cry for personal help. Your goal should be to listen, understand and provide support, as it will help them find the solution for themselves through your own words, without your having to contribute. When someone communicates, they want to be understood, not given advice, especially in relationships like marriages, for example. studies.

It’s reasonable to ask them if they’d like advice, but offering solutions is a very quick way to end communication. This is because you are shutting down the person’s attempt to communicate with you by basically telling them what to do instead of conversing evenly. Here are some examples of solution submission that are just bad for mindful communication:


Moralizing refers to the act of telling someone what would be the right thing to do, often from a moral point of view. It can make the recipient feel guilty and uncomfortable and often leads to resentment. Examples of self-righteous statements include “You should start waking up earlier!” and “Clearly, the right thing to do would be …”.


Giving advice to someone who is venting or communicating about their feelings can feel like a slap in the face. You are illustrating how simple the solutions are to you rather than understanding that finding that solution is not the point at hand. Unless someone is asking for your advice, or you’ve made it clear that they want it, don’t offer it! Examples of cautionary statements include “If you ask me, I’d say I would …” and “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you’d do better if …”.

· Order

No one wants to be ordered around instead of positive and helpful communication. Telling someone what to do has no place in conscious conversation. Examples of order statements include “Go take care of that right now!” or “Stop being so late.” Threats added to order statements are just as common and even less helpful, such as “If you don’t start organizing your workspace, I’m going to throw your stuff away!” or “If you don’t fix that, I’m not talking to you.”

4. Being afraid affects conscious communication

Mindful communication often involves an element of courage. You have to step up and be open, just as your interlocutor is. The problem, then, arises when you are too afraid to take that step and lose positive thinking in the process. You may worry:

  • That there will be consequences for talking about your problems
  • That you will receive an answer that you do not want
  • That it will be useless if you try to be heard since no one can hear

There is nothing wrong with reviewing priorities, risks, and reasons before deciding to start a discussion. You may even need more time to process the events that need to be communicated about, or you may even eventually decide that you are at peace without such communication. This is all fine, but being dictated by pure fear alone is a proactive discussion killer.

Try to avoid:

  • Wallow in self doubt to the point that you’re not sure if you deserve to air your problems
  • Being too cautious with wording to make it difficult for others to understand
  • Refusing to trust the person you are communicating with, even a little bit, to the point where you can’t feel safe talking to them.
  • Being so afraid of criticism that you immediately attack if you are faced with positive feedback.
  • Creating unfair expectations that you fear will not be met
  • Catastrophizing on possible outcomes
  • Deciding not to say exactly what you want to say and hinting at your true intentions because you are too afraid to be honest and direct.
  • Using an unresolved conflict as a shield against resolving the current problem

5. Focus on yourself

Their human nature to focus on yourself, but it is a sure way to end any communication that may occur. When someone is communicating with you, it will be a fair discussion or it will be an exchange where they take turns listening to each other. Personal bias will never be positive for a discussion!

Whatever the case, the bottom line is that it’s never okay to do it on you when it’s not your turn. Even if you try not to show it, concentrating on yourself while someone is speaking to you will make the speaker feel like they are not being heard quickly. Here are some forms of autofocus to avoid during such a discussion:

Thinking about what to say next

Have you ever been in a conversation where all you’ve been thinking about is how to contribute to the discussion when it’s your turn to speak? You may think you are multitasking well, but you will miss the words and meaning of the speaker if you do. This is especially true if it’s a disagreement you’re talking about – spending your time thinking through arguments is a surefire way to make sure there’s no conscious communication going on.

Taking things personally

Feeling offended, upset, or affected by someone’s communication is not an uncommon reaction. But giving in to those emotions and manifesting them negatively can put a big brake on communication efforts. For example, when someone talks about feeling sorry for their friend, you may wonder why they don’t feel sorry for you. Or, if someone is talking about not liking indifferent people, you may start to wonder if they are talking about you. Don’t fall into this trap! Consider people at face value.

· Be distracted

When someone seriously needs to communicate with you, put down your devices, stop your current task (if possible) and confront them, engaging in active listening. If you scroll through social media or are visibly involved elsewhere, you will end up having a very one-sided form of communication. If necessary, tell the speaker that he or she will be able to give them their attention in a few minutes and finish what they are doing first.

6. Be critical

In communication, there is no room for unfair trial. Mindful communication means putting down the deck and paying attention. When you judge someone who tries to carry on a conversation with you, you are behaving like a great and powerful, as if you are above them in some way, shape or form. Here are some acts of judgment to avoid:

· To insult

This contemptuous behavior has never been productive, and never will be! There is absolutely nothing to be gained from this type of comment, and it only stops proper communication in your way. And this is not limited to insults launched blindly. Examples of declarations on names that do not include direct aggressive insults are “Don’t be so stupid” or “You’re too emotional.”


Constructive criticism is fine, when requested. But pure criticism with nothing constructive or helpful behind it will only be seen as an attack. It makes the conversation and discussion stop. Examples of critical statements include “That was such an unwise decision” or “I can’t believe you did such a dumb thing.”

· Diagnosis

This refers to the attribution of one’s behavior or actions to a perceived problem. It is not only a form of assumption, but it is also a total closure. You’re tagging someone from the start without giving them a chance to communicate. Examples of diagnostic statements are “You are too clingy today” or “Someone is being negative.”

Final thoughts on some communication killers to avoid for conscious communication

The goal of communication is simple: get your message across and listen to the other person’s message. If not communicated consciously, that message can be mixed with confusion, emotion, and unfair statements. Do what you can to ensure a positive environment that welcomes direct and honest conversation!

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