It is always good to know that you have someone on your side who will stand up for you no matter what you have done. It is the same reason why the saying “Blood is thicker than waterIt’s still so popular. The family sticks together no matter what! But do you also make excuses, allowing bad behavior?
However, while it is good to protect someone from time to time, you can create a dependency pattern if it becomes a habit. Your actions can help someone when you constantly make excuses for their bad behavior. How many times have you defended your child to the principal or another parent, but still punished him when he gets home?
The key is to put on a good facade so that the rest of the world does not see your family broken or imperfect. However, you still have to deal with the problem behind closed doors. If you let your child get away with being disrespectful to teachers and other authoritative figures, he will come back to bite you later.
When Misconduct Defense Becomes Enabling
It’s okay to stand up for your family and friends, but sometimes it can prolong the inevitable. For example, suppose you work in a factory with your sister. Your sister is constantly screwing up and is about to lose her job.
You try to protect her, so you take the coat for her latest mistake. When people ask what’s going on with her, you make up one excuse after another. What no one knows is that she has a drug problem that you are trying to hide.
While you want to help your sister keep her job, are you helping her by covering up a serious dependency problem or are you allowing the condition to continue? Losing your job is bad, but it is much better than losing your life.
While many people feel justified in their decisions to cover up behaviors, it is not helping. Instead, it only makes the situation worse.
Here’s a pop culture landmark
Here’s a popular show that perfectly demonstrates this damaging empowerment.
My 600 pound life is a top-notch television show on TLC. Dr. Nowzarden is a brilliant bariatric surgeon who works with St. Joseph Medical Center-Houston. Treats patients who weigh between 600 and 800 pounds and are considered severely morbidly obese.
One of the fascinating parts of extreme obesity is the facilitating aspects that occur frequently. There is almost always someone who buys the food and helps people who seek help from Dr. Nowzarden. While they are not making excuses verbally, they are making excuses with their actions.
In many cases, these people are in serious condition and will die if they are not helped. Unfortunately, they are sneakily fed high-calorie foods from family members and friends. They justify their actions by thinking that they are hungry. They will either be insane or not stick with the 1200 a day diet.
There are times when you can and should defend your loved ones. On the other hand, you may need to step back and let the consequences teach you life lessons. How can someone grow and improve if people make their toxic behaviors acceptable?
15 reasons why people make excuses to their friends and loved ones
If you are constantly in defense mode for your family, you must examine the rationale behind these motives. Ask yourself if you are helping or hindering them. Here are the fifteen most common reasons why people make excuses to their loved ones.
1. They fear punishment
Nobody wants someone they love to get into trouble. Many people will accept blame or make up an excuse to cover up a mistake. However, some will go so far as to lie to help cover their tracks.
While protecting is one thing, it is never okay to lie for someone else. The truth of the matter will always come out, and then you will appear as guilty as they.
2. They live in denial
Part of the reason you may not have wanted to tell your sister in the example above is that you live in denial. Many people want to escape from reality because it is easier to believe a lie than to face the truth. Some people believe in the “Out of sight and out of mind” philosophy.
If you don’t see her do it harmful substances, then it may not be true. Sadly, in your heart, you know she’s in trouble. You should focus more on getting their help than covering it up.
3. They feel sorry for them
Perhaps one of your family members is constantly lying. You may feel sorry for them and the problems they have in life. They lie because they feel they have not achieved anything and have low self-esteem.
Many people will find themselves making excuses because they feel sorry for the person in this situation.
4. They don’t want to cross them
If your marriage is in trouble and you suspect that your spouse is cheating on you, you may not want to confront him or her. Others do not know that your partner has a habit of becoming quite aggressive when angry, so you prefer to be quiet. Living in fear is not a way to live your life, but it is one of the reasons so many people make up colorful excuses.
5. They are ashamed
You may not want to admit that your spouse is having an affair because it is too painful and you are embarrassed. You prefer not to let anyone know about this secret part of your life. Shame can be one of the main reasons people make excuses and hide behind lies, as they want to prevent others from knowing the truth.
Sometimes the truth is hard to handle, like finding out that your spouse is cheating or addicted. Many people will cover up lies and defend others because the truth is more painful than the lies they tell.
7. They don’t want to fight
Sometimes being honest and not accepting the situation for what it is can lead to important discussions. You will often see parents trying to hide things from their spouse or children because they cannot bear the stress in their family. Avoiding an altercation is one of the main reasons people hide some things.
8. They fear losing
You don’t always make excuses for someone because they are the best option; it is only because someone is afraid of losing this individual. If you call this person about their problems or side with others against them, the pain of losing them may be too great to handle.
9. They want to see well
Some people do not live denying their loved ones, but choose to see the good rather than the bad. When someone brings up their problems, they will talk about all the good in them rather than what they need to work on.
10. They don’t see the problem as significant
Everyone sees things differently. While a person may judge someone and say that what they did was horrible, sometimes it may not be so bad. People can make excuses for their loved ones when the situation is not as bad as it seems.
11. They want to manipulate others
It often happens that people make excuses because they are helping their loved one. manipulate someone. They can be involved in your scheme and are behind your back no matter what the problem is.
12. They don’t want people to think badly of them
In the illustration above, if other co-workers discover that your sister has a dependency problem, they may see her differently than they do now. While it may seem prone to accidents, it’s better than making them think worse things about someone you love.
13. They know how fragile they are
Many people will beautify their life or lie about their accomplishments to make themselves appear greater. For example, they may say that their job pays more or that they rank higher than they do. However, creating an excuse for their lies may be justified because you know how low their self-esteem is and you don’t want to mentally break them anymore.
14. To justify bad behavior, they are involved in
It’s easy to make excuses for someone when they are engaging in bad behavior. It’s easy to read an article about a celebrity and pass judgment, but it is much more difficult for you to pass judgment when you are somehow entangled in the web they weave.
15. They have codependent tendencies
Someone with codependent tendencies is more willing to make excuses to others than someone confident. This person is also likely plagued by dysfunctional communication, preoccupied with pleasing others, and fearful of being rejected or abandoned.
the Karpman drama triangle is a theory that was created by the author Stephen Karpman MD He explains this concept in his exciting book. A life free of games. Explain that while it seems harmless to make excuses for people and their behaviors, it often has serious consequences.
You create patterns of dysfunction when you enable someone in their drama. While you want to have the backing of your family and support them, you need to learn when you are helping and hindering them.